Cybersecurity Jokes
With such a wide and imaged glossary, infosec is ripe for funny content (not as in "RIPEMD")!
What's the one encryption Superman cannot break?
Crypto-nite
What’s a bloodhound’s favourite meal?
Kerberoast beef
Why Justin Timberlake loves the Network Time Protocol (NTP) so much?
Because it keeps your systems N Sync
What is an airport with bad cryptography called?
Plane text
What do hackers call a network of farting computers?
A butt-net
Why do developers struggle so much implementing OAuth?
Because it does not provide tokens of appreciation
Why are the Irish so good at asset management?
Because they label fast.
What's the best place to buy computer viruses?
At the mallware
What happened to your files?
I dunno I guess they ran somewhere
Why Darth Vader would be such a bad database administrator?
Because he is terrible in sequels
What's an accountant's favorite response to an insult?
You suck too!
If there are data subjects why do we not have data verbs?
Where should you store your security events records?
In a logs cabin
How do security analysts break up their relationships?
They'll send you a RST packet
What type of Xmas cards security analysts send?
nmap -sX -T
What can you tell to a hacker that won't share his password cracking techniques?
Hash cats got your tongue
What is a security analyst's favourite breakfast?
WAFfles
Why would Billy Joel be a poor security analyst?
Because he didn't start the fire (wall)
What is a bookshelf for a security analyst?
Data at rest
How can you tell you're dating a security analyst?
Once things start to get serious you get a symmetric key
Why are security analysts so perplexed by birth certificates?
They don't have a public key
What do security analysts call their daughters?
LuCIA
Why do shipping companies hate security analysts?
Because their port scans find wide open containers
How long does it take for a security analyst to give birth?
No undue delay but shall not exceed 72 hours
How do security analysts call identical twins?
A hash collision
What's the difference between a security analyst and a dog?
One keeps sniffing all over the place, running after its tail, digging up in old places to drool over obscure findings. The other is a pet.
What is two dogs smelling each other butts?
Mutual authentication
How do you call the locks on 221B baker street?
A detective access control
Why are InfoSec classes so boring?
Because they value high redundancy
Why Ido nfoSec folks only hang out with true pessimists?
Because they ignore false positives
Why do InfoSec people never sit in the central aisle on a plane?
Because they dread a man in the middle
What restaurant has InfoSec people all excited?
Taco-Bell-LaPadula
What is an InfoSec celibate?
Exclusive OR
What do you say when a security analyst extends his hand?
SYN-ACK
Why do all InfoSec specialists stop smoking?
Because they excel at patch management
Why do security analysts name their daughter Star?
Because they can ask a database to select *
How do security analysts clean their floors?
Ping sweeps
Why Winnie the Pooh is such a liability for InfoSec?
He keeps stealing the honey pots
I'm not late I'm doing a risk assessment
How many security analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
We have dual power supplies, UPS batteries, generators and a redundant hot site in every next city. Light bulbs DO NOT go out.
How do you call an InfoSec specialist with a background in psychology?
An insecurity analyst
What do you call a litigious lease contract?
In a rent risk
What is the one medicine a security analyst would never take?
A SQL Injection
Why security analysts frown upon dimly lit rooms?
They dread security through obscurity
How do security analysts break up online arguments?
Why Fight
What colours is a hacker's dining room table?
Rainbow
What is hackers' favourite video gameplay?
Open map
What's a hacker's favourite toy brand?
Fishers price
What's a hacker's favourite video game type?
Hack and dot dot slash
Why are cryptographers poor gardeners?
Because they require random seeds
What is a Céline Dion album stream called ?
Data in emotion
Why Lady Gaga does not use Face ID?
Can't read her poker face
What is the result of a security analyst and statistician marriage?
Biometrics
What do you call a perfectly managed firewall?
Firewhole
What's the best quality for a tv show from InfoSec's perspective?
Integritty
How should you react when a security assessment is passed?
Applaudit
What should never be missing from your table when you meet a security analyst?
A salt
What should you do before creating an incident response plan?
Incident question plan
Why you should not hire security analysts in customer service?
Because they don't trust the client
Why hackers are renowned for their strong oblique muscles ?
Because they do lateral movements
What is the security incident response favourite video game?
The SIEMs
What's the best job title for a security specialist?
Cybersecurity information architect (cia)
Why are mummies the preffered spooky monster of infosec?
Because they are fully patched
Why security analysts don’t have BFFs?
It’s not a known acronym in the common body of knowledge
What is the favourite sushi of InfoSec?
Blowfish
What’s a cryptography diet?
CaRC4
Why do they say InfoSec analysts are good at visiting caves?
Because they are good with spelunking (splunking)
Who’s the hackers' favourite marvel character?
Tor
Why are hackers so impolite at the table?
They can’t refrain from burping
How do you call a tribe of security analysts?
Infosect
Why do security analysts have so many children?
Because they dread Trojans
Why hackers are terrible guests at birthday parties?
Now they know your address and birthdate…
What’s InfoSec's favourite car brand?
Toy OAuth a
Why do security analysts don’t go out naked?
Exposure factor must be minimized
What would happen if Discovery purchased the E-entertainment network?
E-discovery
What’s the Kardashian's favourite encryption scheme?
Dee KIM
What’s an angry security specialist?
CISSPissed
Why are hackers not stoners?
Because they pass the hash
Why are security analysts so poor?
Because there is no shift left
Who are the sworn enemies of hackers in the scientific community?
Entomologists, because hackers exploit bugs
Why are hackers terrible civil engineers?
Because they always build reverse tunnels
What is a rude gesture towards a hacker when organizing a party?
Inviting them with open doors
Why hackers are experts at telling the truth?
Because they always add OR 1=1 to every statement
Why security analysts are terrible for academia?
Because they want to take grants away
Why should you not hire security analysts in customer service?
They don’t trust the client
Why do security analysts always stomp on any mushrooms they see?
To prevent Smurf attacks
Where do hackers go on vacation?
On a phishing trip
Why do hackers live in placarded houses?
Because they keep breaking Windows
What do you call a team of laid-off security analysts?
Fired wall
When do pentesters shine the most?
At the hackinox
What do you call the training of an entry-level cybersecurity analyst?
Entryption
Fun With Acronyms
InfoSec knowledge builds upon hundreds of acronyms ranging from high-level frameworks to network protocols, to types of electric power recovery. I have fun coming up with new meanings to such acronyms that, unfortunately, can contribute to obscuring the profession.
3DES - 3 Dogs Enforce Security
AES - Astronauts Enter Space
API - Artificial Paradisiac Immersion
BCP - Buy Cheese Pizza
BGP - Bagels Getting Poached
CISSP - Chatting In Some Sordid Place
CPTED - Calamitous Prequel Targaryens Eradicate Dragons
CVE - Crypto Volatility Event
CVSS - Can Vampires Stop Sucking
DDoS - Doubling Down on Serendipity
DKIM - Disturbed Kingdom Inhabits Mordor
EDR - Embracing Disco Robes
GDPR - Gotta Do Pull Requests
ICMP - In Case Money Plummets
ICMP - Infant Care Means Persistence
IRP - Inherent Risk Plagiarized
MODEM - Millions Of Dinosaurs Encountered Meteorites
NAT - Numerous Arbitrary Tantrums
NTP - Ninja Turtles Prohibited
OCTAVE - One Criteria To Acknowledge Vulnerabilities Exist
Layer 1 SFP - Stranded Forever Panicked 😱
Layer 2 MAC - Multiple Animals Crossing 🦧
Layer 2.5 ARP - Always Ready Prowling 🦁
Layer 3 IGMP - I Gather My Provisions
Layer 4 UDP - Under Dominant Parrots 🦜
Layer 5 RPC - Running Past Cannibals
Layer 6 JPEG - Joined Per Elegant Gatherers
Layer 7 SMTP - Seems My Time Passed
OSPF - Overjoyed Siblings Performing Flossing
PKI - Pete Kim Intercourse
RDP - Randomly Dressed Pizza
RPC - Readily Popping Calc.exe
RSA - Reached Self Awareness
SABSA - Squash All Bathroom Soap Aggressively
SMTP - Siblings Mutineers Threatening Parents
SQL - Stop Quelling Lamas
SSO - Sabotage Scholarly Ornithology
TKIP - Twitching Kittens Ingesting Printers
VLAN - Vigourous Laxative Annhilated Nuptials
XDR - eXplicit Daily Routine
XSS - Xponential Sanitization Stress
YAML - You Are My Love
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